2017

By far, the most eventful year in my life.

To summarize, this year have shown me the fair share of happiness and sadness, love and despair, moving on and holding up and many many more things.

To completing a degree, moving to a new city, meeting new people, losing two most cherished people in my life, adjusting with a different cuisine and weather, being a little more independent, learning to finally say no and trying to be a little more empathetic, this year had taught me lessons for a lifetime.

This year had been tough. I had never imagined what leaving home would be like. From bouts of homesickness to nights of relentless crying, this year taught me how to survive alone in a new place. It taught me that though being empathetic is good, always trying to find the positive side of a person you meet shouldn’t always be done. Sometimes saying no might make you a bitch to that person but in the long run, you’re helping yourself. That if stuffs don’t work out for you today, its all right. You will have enough time to work your shit out. That if you feel you’re lagging in certain aspects of life as compared to others, its okay. It will happen when it is meant to happen. That everything nice and sweet isn’t always so nice and sweet. That there is always an other side and we should be prepared to face what that other side holds. That you’re complete, at peace and happy and that matters above anything and anyone in life. That endings can be good too. That solitude isn’t so bad. That choosing your happiness over anyone or anything else isn’t wrong.

So here’s to looking forward to year of new beginnings and new priorities. Focusing on my dreams and my aspirations, on stuffs that matter and to believe that imperfection is okay. That I am whole and that is all that matters.

You can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote towards which you are ceaselessly striving.

-When Breathe Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi

 

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Where Did We Go Wrong?

This is one of those questions which I ask very often.

No, I don’t mean this in aspects of economy, academics, finance etc. I ask this with respect to compassion and basic humanity.

Where did those qualities go?

Simple love and care for those around us…our neighbours and our immediate family. Where did that humanity go?

Is it money?

If not, then what?

It hits me hard to imagine that people could be so selfish, so fucked up that they cannot extend the hand of help to their own family, that they donot possess the least care for their kin, that they can go to any extend for their profit and their rotten motives.

Where is karma now?

Why does it bites the asses of only those who work selflessly for others!?

Why doesn’t it pay to those who have wronged?

Why do they roam free while the ones who had served and cared suffer in silence?

Why?

What is this strange equation of the world?

Guess, these questions along with the first one will always remain unanswered to me.

-S.

I wish…

I wish this turned out differently.

I wish you could stay longer.

I wish I could get the chance of drowning myself in your hazel eyes every time we met.

I wish you could hold me a little more.

I wish you had looked back at least once when you left me standing under that streetlight.

I wish we had a chance.

Because you, my darling, you were something else.

I had the notion that I could only fall for someone who would ignite my soul, who would turn my love into a fiery passion burning the lust with mere touch, who would make me forget the world with his kiss, who would create butterflies in me with his stare.

Oh, how wrong was I.

Because as much perfect as you were, that much flawed I was.

You made realise what I wanted.

Peace.

And I found it.

In you.

In us.

In your tight embrace and your lovely voice. In the little things you did. In the way you looked at me which spoke volumes. In that shake of head whenever I said something stupid. In that small grin when you got excited about my ideas.

You were silence and I filled that with my blabber. If only I knew, you were slowly creeping into the void I had.

I miss you.

But mostly, I miss us.

How wrong is it that we can’t hold on to things that matter forever. How good things, inevitably have to end. How something nice and beautiful doesn’t last longer.

I wouldn’t call what we had as Love. It was something more. Something which cannot be explained. Something which I cannot have with anyone.

Oh, how I wish I could get it back. How I wish I could get us back.

Love,

S.

-exerpt from “Letters to the ones who matter.”

Masquerade

They will promise you butterflies blossoming in your soul; sugarcoated words that will keep you awake till 4 in the mornings; they will promise you the taste of sheer pleasure of their exorbitant self; they will lure you into the intoxicating maze of their minds; they will turn chaos into music and sounds into melodies; they will promise you the reality of forever everytime you inhale their addictive scents; they will build kingdoms of fairytales, bringing heaven on earth, until hell would seem more like a fictious nightmare.

They won’t tell you of the rotting wounds of your heart after it all ends; they won’t tell you of the cracked illusions that won’t let you sleep till those hours; they won’t tell you of the struggle you’ll have to endure alone when you’ll try to forget the name you can’t even remember; they won’t tell you of the burning sun that will blind your eyes in a state of permanent insomnia; they won’t tell you of the laughs that will fade into silence and smiles that will turn into tear stained cheeks; they won’t tell you the kingdom is built in the middle of hurricane, waiting to destroy every lingering hope and future. They won’t tell you that the tainted image of the heavenly love is just waiting to burn you.

Dear You,

I am sorry.

I know it’s way too late but you know as they say, better late than never.

You seem to be doing well. Guess that’s why I finally had the courage to write this.

I am sorry for how things turned out. I tried. Believe me, I tried my level best to make you understand that I wasn’t worth it. All those efforts and care, it was all a waste on me.

I did love you. Maybe, not as much as I loved him. But, yes. I did love you.

And that’s why I wanted you to have the best of the best. I did not want you to be stuck with someone like me.

Because that’s what you do to the people you love, right? You want the best for them, even if that means you couldn’t be with them.

Maybe the way I did my work was wrong. But, you knew me so well in those few days that it scared me. Scared my shitless that what if you lose yourself just the way I did because of love.

I may have lost that part of myself but I couldn’t let you lose it.

They say hatred is easier than love. If I could only agree, considering the time I had to put up the pretence of being a bitch.

You wouldn’t hate me. And I couldn’t let you love me.

What other option did I have other than making you hate me to the point where you won’t consider me worth an option?

And look, my effort paid off.

And now, you will be free.

Free to choose and be with someone who deserves better. Someone who can give you so much more than I can ever do. Someone who will give you the world.

Someone, not me.

Have a good life, dude.

You deserve the best.

Love,

S.

-Excerpt from “Letters To The Ones Who Matter”

In The Silence Of Solitude

“Before you can be with others, first learn to be alone.” – Jennifer Stitt.

Something is kind of quiet today.

Caught in the melee of life, I’d left everything behind and started a new life- a life with a hope of no chaos. My flaky fingers hold my hope like the sacrosanct dusk.

My secret lies splattered, painted upon the walls of frozen memory. I have tasted the sunshine, the storm and the eclipse.

My demons are shadow serpents with a Cheshire grin tainiting the disillusioned truth in the ashes of heartbreak, betrayal and perplexing self doubts.

All i seek is peace. In silence or solitude, I don’t care anymore.

I can hear my cold breath disappearing like the cold drizzle.

Its so easy to get addicted.

Maybe thats where I’ll find peace.

In the silence of solitude.

-A lost soul in search Solitude.

S.

SHE

She’s different.

This is the first thing that is going to pop  into your mind the moment you land your eyes on her. Her demeanour and her aura is enough to justify this first observation of yours. You won’t ever be uninspired or bored with her. She’d be that fresh breath of unpredictable mischief. She won’t ever take your shit and you can bet on it that you’ll be a changed man because of her.

She comes across as a paradoxical mix of outgoing but introvert, very social but seldom out, classy with the right amount of sass. But then, when you’re so used to not needing anyone, pretence stays away from you. This makes relationships a constant struggle for her. She’ll connect with many making them feel comfortable with her, but it will take her a while to reach that comfort.

This might frustrate you. There will be so many layers to peel, so many walls to break and just when you’d think you’re getting somewhere, you will find yourself back to square one. These times, have patience. Something happened that made her independent. Someone she needed left before she was done needing them. But these won’t spill out easily. She is extremely careful and uncomfortable with her emotions on display. Her emotion and pain are hers to deal with and that is what she is used to.

She will try to convince herself that she doesn’t need you or worse, she will try to surpass her feelings and push you away. Her primal instincts will be to compose herself and be apathetic about the situation. She knows exactly who she is and what she wants and her independent spirit gives her the liberty to follow her heart and she loves this part of her identity. She may come across as strong, maybe too strong for you at the beginning. Don’t let this fool you. This is her armour, the walls she took years to build to protect herself.

Falling for the girl who is used to not needing anyone will be a challenge. She will be enigmatic, she will oppose your views at every step, she will fight you and she will always want things to go her way at her pace. She is strong, but she is also scared- scared to love, scared of depending on and needing someone and most of all, scared of what might happen if you leave.

Because at the core, she is just a girl who has more love and layers than she knows what to do with.

S.